Below are two quotes I have held in my mind for months since reading them, and they’ve continued to unfold in my heart, providing awe and illumination. The first is a quote from St. Herman of Alaska, the second a quote of St. Anthony of the Desert:

St. Herman:

“The biography of Father Herman records the following incident. The Elder was asked: “How do you live alone in the forest, Father Herman? Don’t you become bored?” He replied: “No! I am not alone there! God is there, as God is everywhere. Holy Angels are there. How can one become bored with them? With whom is it better and more pleasant to converse, with men or with Angels? With Angels, of course!” “

Archpriest Prokopy Povarnitsyn http://www.fatheralexander.org/booklets/english/herman.htm

St. Anthony:

“When certain philosophers asked him how he could spend his time in solitude, without the pleasure of reading books, he replied, that nature was his great book, and amply supplied the want of others. When others, despising him as an illiterate man, came with the design to ridicule his ignorance, he asked them with great simplicity, which was first, reason or learning, and which had produced the other? The philosophers answered, “Reason, or good sense.”   “This then,” said Antony, “suffices.” The philosophers went away astonished at the wisdom and dignity with which he prevented their objections. “

http://www.geocities.com/catholic_profide/anthony.htm

These quotes have embedded themselves in my soul and led me to desire deeper communion with God than I currently have.  I know the human dilemma of both boredom and loneliness as much as anyone else.  Both people and books (and really, reading/learning is often a form of contact with people) are good things. People, especially, are necessary for our survival and development in formative years. However having had basic relational needs met and an education, I find myself noticing a void in my life I would describe as either boredom, loneliness, or both of them being one and the same.  And I am deeply drawn to these Saints because they were not compelled to fill their voids with people or with books/learning. They had a very deep communion with God within themselves that left no void or need. Though people and learning are necessary gifts from God, I find they can also be used impulsively and automatically to fill an inner space of boredom/loneliness.  Only God can fill that place.  I am in awe of the inner peace and contentment of these two saints as they lived in solitude and were neither bored nor lonely.  I desire to spend time at a monastery, or camping in a national park or forest, for several days this summer, to attempt to face this void and find God in it, even if to a very small extent in comparison to these saints.

Today I realized there is no point to my blog if I don’t post on it. So I’ve decided to share something I’m personally wrestling with spiritually, something that seems like a Catch 22 or a conundrum, or being Orthodox, more likely just a great mystery.

Orthodox pre- and post-communion prayers, in addition to daily prayers, are permeated with requests to be cleansed from sins and to be made holy. During Lent the emphasis is particularly on repentance and being cleansed from sin.

It is very hard for me currently to reconcile this with the statement that I am the first among sinners, a statement I will make unto my death. The Arena contains a statement that it is even better to believe oneself to be beneath all creatures, than it is to have a continual sense of God’s presence.

St. Therese of Liseaux in her autobiography stated at a very early age it was her goal to be a Saint. I have always felt too ashamed to say that I want to be a Saint, or even that I want to be holy. I am afraid it is presumptuous to believe I will be holy someday. This made me question my mindset; am I not full of false humility if I can’t say along with St. Therese that I want to be a Saint?

When I am honest with myself, I must admit I do want to be a Saint, because I want to be holy, and for my name to be written in heaven. How then, am I to reconcile a desire to be holy, to be cleansed of all sin, with the believe that I am the first among sinners and beneath every creature?

If I have a goal to be a Saint, then I am assuming that goal is achievable. But if I believe I can be a Saint during this life someday, is that not pride? Is that not contradicting the statement that I am first among sinners? Can I be both cleansed of my sins and make the statement that I am beneath all creatures? These two self-perceptions seem mutually exclusive to me. It is something I don’t understand. It is also manifested in Saints who say at the end of their lives they are chief among sinners and have not even begun to repent. Yet they are Saints.

For now, though, I at least admit my deep desire to be cleansed of all sin and to be white as snow. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be free of all sin and impurity, like an angel who has never done any wrong, or like Christ. That seems incredibly foreign to me. But I do admit I want that; I want to be free from sin and guilt.

Any thoughts on this conundrum? How can being cleansed from sin, and being first among sinners, be true at the same time?

The quotes below from “The Arena: an offering to contemporary monasticism” speak powerfully for themselves and I have no commentary to offer except these writings illuminated for me the connection between my own sins and my lack of love for neighbor; the former causes the latter. I love the analogy near the end: humility and love for our neighbor removes callousness from our hearts, the way the stone was removed from the entrance to the tomb.  The following quotes are from the same chapter, the theme of which is love for our neighbor:

“Direct all your attention to the acquisition of love for your neighbour as the basis of your life and your monastic task. Love your neighbor according to the dictates of the commandments of the Gospel, not at all according to the dictates and impulses of your heart.  The love planted by God in our nature was damaged by the fall and cannot act correctly….Love your neighbor in the following way:  Do not get angry with him and do not bear resentment or a grudge against him.  Do not allow yourself to say to your neighbor any reproachful, abusive, sarcastic or caustic words.  Maintain peace with him as far as possible.  Humble yourself in his presence.  Do not try to have your revenge on him either directly or indirectly.  Whenever possible, yield to him.  Get out of the habit of arguing and quarrelling, and reject it as a sign of pride and self-love.  Speak well of those who speak evil of you.  Pay good for evil.  Pray for those who cause you various offenses, wrongs, temptations, persecutions.  Whatever you do, on no account condemn anyone; do not even try to judge whether a person is good or bad, but keep your eyes on that one evil person for whom you must give an account before God—yourself.  Treat your neighbors as you would like them to treat you. Forgive and pardom men their offenses against you from the depth of your heart….”

“Make every effort and put all your energy into the healing of yourself.”

“Love for our neighbor is preceded and accompanied by humility in our human relationships.  Hatred towards our neighbor is preceded by condemnation and criticism of him, detraction and disparagement, slander and backbiting, scorn for him, otherwise pride.  Holy monks constantly remembered Christ’s words: ‘Truly I tell you, when you did it to one of the least of these My brethen, you did it to me.’  They did not stop to consider whether their neighbor deserved their respect or not; they paid no attention to his numerous and obvious defects. Their attention was taken up with seeing that they did not somehow fail to realize that our neighbor is the image of God, and that Christ accepts what we do to our neighbor as it if were done to him…..when by the mercy of God we grasp this notion, it becomes a source of the purest love for our neighbor, a love for all equally.  Such love has a single cause–the Christ Who is honored and loved in every neighbor.  The realization of this truth becomes a source of the sweetest compunction, of the most fervent, undistracted, most concentrated prayer. Holy Abba Dorotheus used to say to his disciple, St. Dositheus, whenever he was overcome by anger:  ‘Dositheus! You get angry, and are you not ashamed that you get angry and offend your brother?  Do you not realize that he is Christ and that you offend Christ?’  The great Saint Apollos often used to tell his disciples regarding the reception of strange brethren who came to him that they must be given honour with a prostration to the earth.  In bowing to them we bow not to them but to God.  ‘Have you seen your brother?  You have seen the Lord your God…’ “

“When living in a monastery with brethren, regard only yourself as a sinner and all the brethren without exception as Angels. Prefer all to yourself.”

“Through humility in your dealings with your neighbor, and through love for your neighbor, hardness and callousness is expelled from the heart.  It is rolled away like a heavy rock from the entrance to the tomb, and the heart revives for spiritual relations with God for which is has been hitherto dead.  A new vista opens to the gaze of the mind: the multitudinous wounds of sin with which the whole of fallen nature is riddled.  It begins to confess its wretched state to God and implore Him for mercy. The heart assists the mind with mourning and compunction. This is the beginning of true prayer.  On the other hand, the prayer of a resentful person St. Isaac the Syrian compares with sowing on a rock.  The same must be said of the prayer of one who condemns and despises his neighbor…”

 Rather than blog about my spiritual readings on the monastic life, which I intend to do in the relatively near future, I want to blog about something else that has been on my mind that is a far cry from asceticism–that is, the myriad of cheesecake choices offered at the Cheesecake Factory. No, I am not joking….this really is the topic for my post and I do intend for it to be educational as well as mouthwatering.

For those of you who don’t already know, the Cheesecake Factory has 30 different cheesecakes to choose from on their cheesecake menu (and I hope I am not the cause of your stumbling into sin in the future by bringing this fact into your awareness).

I have been to a Cheesecake Factory only three times, all three times for the purpose of eating a piece of cheesecake (their meals tend to be pretty pricy; a slice of cheesecake alone is an average of seven dollars). During my first experience I became aware of the agony that comes with indecisively poring over a menu that has 30 cheesecakes (my friends Ruth and Kelly, who want to receive credit in this post for being involved in one of my visits to the Cheesecake Factory, laughed at my sober demeanor). This is no small decision. If you are going to pay between six and seven dollars for a piece of cheesecake that comes in a unique flavor you most likely won’t find elsewhere, you want to make the “right” decision. This is nearly impossible when among your choices are the following succulent flavors: Godiva chocolate, oreo mudslide, vanilla bean, tiramisu, cookie dough, and peanut butter cup fudge, only to name the few that were most summoning my attention.

It was during my second visit to the Cheesecake factory that a scheme crystallized in my mind, a goal that could be spanned over many years if necessary. This enterprise makes perfect sense when you are in front of a menu with an overwhelming variety of tantalizing cheesecake options.

The goal: eventually try every cheesecake offered at the Cheesecake Factory and rate them, on a scale that ranges from ”this is decent” (what cheesecake isn’t?) to “I have just been transported to the third heavens”.  Of course, that latter pleasure-measuring description would apply to what I will eventually choose as the # 1 cheesecake at the Cheesecake factory. When faced with a menu of thirty cheesecake options, is there any other reasonable response than to make a life goal of trying them all? I can’t think of one…

I’ve learned the best way to go about trying many cheesecakes at once is to go the the Cheesecake Factory with several friends, each order a different piece, and sample each other’s. My third visit to the Cheesecake Factory over Christmas break was an alternate approach: I went in alone, ordered four different pieces to go, and brought them home to my family where we each had a sampler platter. My family didn’t seem as interested as I was in rating them…which I thought was almost as fun as eating them.

Over the course of my three visits to the Cheesecake factory, I have tried a total of 9 of their cheesecakes, except my memory fails me in one of them. Rating cheesecakes is complicated when not trying them all in one sitting. I have to remember that I liked this one more than that one, etc., and rate them relatively. The titles of the cheesecakes, the pictures of those that were available on the website, and my ratings for the eight I remember trying are as follows:

1) Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake 

2) Chocolate Oreo Mudslide Cheesecake (my friend Ruth gets credit for ordering this one and allowing me to try it.) At this particular visit, I had ordered the Carrot Cake Cheesecake, and Ruth and I couldn’t decide which of the two we each liked best, so we switched our cheesecakes, then switched back, then switched them back again My assessment of this cheesecake is that it is very delicious yet too rich to eat more than a few bites.

3) Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake

4) Vanilla Bean Cheesecake

5) Tiramisu Cheesecake

6) Craig’s Crazy Carrot Cake Cheesecake 

7) Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake

8) Fresh Stawberry.  This one Kelly ordered and I tried; I’m not a fan of fruit on top of cheescake. (Sorry Kelly, you made a poor choice)

What do you think? Do you have a favorite cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory? Your opinion is valuable in this important enterprise, so do share!

Still basking in the rays of being a working person and not a student, I have more time to educate myself via movies in addition to books. I used to be pretty bad at having seen movies that are considered many persons’ all time favorites, and was goaded (practically forced) into watching things such as the Rocky movies and the Star Wars Trilogy mainly by a guy I dated in high school. It would begin with an incredulous, and bordering on hostile facial expression followed by, “You haven’t seen the Star Wars movies???!!!” Then a trip to Blockbuster where all movies belonging to a mentioned series would be rented with the plan of watching at least one per evening until all were completed.  Yes, I did have to watch all six Rocky movies within one week in high school. It felt like a sort of disciplinary action.

I have to say I’m in a different phase of life now and am enjoying movies I didn’t used to have the attention span for, or interest in.  I watched The Godfather, part I, the other night, and thoroughly enjoyed it, hanging on every word and rewinding and rewatching any conversation I didn’t fully absorb or understand the first time. I have to say now it is one of my favorite movies; I thought it was amazing. One of the highlights of my break will be watching all three of the Godfathers (the other two are currently checked out at both local video stores; in fact one of the video stores claimed that their copy of Godfather II was never returned. Apparently these movies are that well loved). I watched Casablanca yesterday and enjoyed it as well.  Now I have composed a list of movies from various sources, some from lists of my friends’ favorite movies on their Facebook profiles, and others from lists online of the top rated movies of all time, that include lots of older movies and classics.  By watching the Godfather movies I am off to a great start since they are all three at the top of the lists online.

The other day I finally watched “O Brother Where Are Thou?”, another popular one I hadn’t made it to. I enjoyed the soundtrack to that movie more than anything else. Today I finally watched Shadowlands, the true life story about the romance and marriage of C.S. Lewis with a woman who died of cancer. I have to admit I enjoyed “A Grief Observed” and “The Four Loves” more than I enjoyed this movie; I guess I wasn’t crazy about the script.

Movies I feel I should watch because everyone and their brothers (emphasizing males) say they are their favorites: Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and the Princess Bride. I have seen the Princess Bride; I just can’t say I ever really got into it, so I’m going to skip out on giving it another chance. I have never seen Monty Python. I am thinking I should tackle that one this week while I have lots of down time and plenty of ambition.

The following quotes are from step four in The Ladder of Divine Ascent, the chapter titled “On Obedience”. 

“Drink down ridicule by the hour, as if it were living water.”

“If at the very start you manage to allow your entire soul to suffer indignities, you will not have to struggle for many years in search of blessed peace.”

“Drink deeply of scorn from every man, as though it were living water handed you to cleanse you from lust. Then indeed will a deep purity dawn in your soul and the light of God will not grow dim in your heart.”

(The word “lust” above speaking not directly of sexuality but of lust of power over others)

“A silly person feels hurt when accused or shouted at. He tries to answer back or else at once apologizes to his accuser, not for reasons of humility but to put a stop to his reproaches. In fact you should be silent when ridiculed. Accept patiently these spiritual cauterizations, or rather, purifying flames.”

“He who strives for dispassion and for God considers lost any day on which he was not criticized. Like trees swayed by the wind and driving their roots deeper into the ground, those who live in obedience become strong and unshakable souls.”

These quotes left a powerful impact on me, especially ones that offer an analogy of criticism and scorn as being wells of living water to drink from.  Since reading this chapter I have spent much time thinking about why. Why is it that scorn and criticism purfiy the heart if we take advantage of the opportunity?

I think it purifies from that pride that comes from thinking that I am an exception, that I don’t have flaws and sins, that I don’t make mistakes, that it is other people who have and do these things. Being scorned and criticized reveals to me that I am not only not better than others, but that I have been blind to my own faults while finding it easy to criticize others. Being criticized places me on the other end, and shows me what others must have felt like when I criticized them; this takes away the satisfaction of scorning others. Basically, it humbles me and purifies me from false perceptions of myself as being above major flaws and blind spots. It shows me things about myself I don’t want to see. Once I see the truth about myself I can find God’s love for who I really am and not for the person I was pretending to myself to be. 

Even in the case I think I am being scorned unjustly, then this experience can remind me of the times I have scorned and criticized others unjustly. Criticism and scorn can remove pride and arrogance and I think when those are removed, one’s sense of significance stems purely from the love of God, and not from a sense of being better than others. Being scorned and criticized, even though I think it is pretty miserable at first, ultimately allows the living water of God’s love to be revealed to my heart more fully. That is what the above quotes have helped me realize.